The orgasm is one of the most discussed and, at the same time, least understood topics in sexuality. You may know the feeling of it not happening, even though you want it very much, whether during self-pleasure or sex with another person. Or you wonder whether you're experiencing it «correctly». Perhaps you compare yourself to others and wonder if something is wrong with you. Upfront: an orgasm is highly individual. There is no single way to experience it.
What happens in the body during orgasm?
An orgasm is a moment where tension and release meet. Arousal builds, the body tenses, breathing quickens. At the point where tension reaches its peak, it releases suddenly. What's felt in that moment varies from person to person: waves, twitches, warmth, a sense of letting go. Even for the same person, it can feel different each time, because your genitals are connected to several different pairs of nerves. Depending on which areas are stimulated, and how, different qualities of sensation arise. So there isn't one single orgasm, but many possible variations of it.
The brain plays a central role here: it amplifies arousal, produces a rush-like feeling, and releases neurotransmitters like dopamine and oxytocin, whose interplay ultimately triggers the contractions in the pelvic floor muscles and the entire pelvic region. Orgasmic sensations can, incidentally, also arise from stimulation of other parts of the body, not only genital ones. This, too, shows that the body knows many paths to desire and pleasure.
The orgasm is a reflex, just like arousal. Everything that happens between the arousal reflex and the orgasm reflex is, according to the Sexocorporel model, learned. And therefore something you can change.
Why doesn't it always work?
This is where something often underestimated comes into play: our thoughts. When we put ourselves under pressure with thoughts like «I have to reach orgasm now, am I doing this right? What is my partner thinking?», a particular area of the brain becomes too preoccupied: the part that evaluates, controls, and analyzes. This is exactly what can prevent the orgasm reflex from being triggered. Because an orgasm requires, above all, the opposite: letting yourself sink into what's happening in the moment.
So it's not technique alone that determines the outcome. Self-doubt, performance-oriented thoughts, the feeling of having to perform, all of this can create blocks. Orgasm is more about allowing than doing. But that's easier said than done.
Not all orgasms are the same
A physical orgasm isn't automatically a pleasurable experience. In technical terms, we then speak of a discharge: a purely physical reflex reaction that isn't linked to a pleasurable experience. Sometimes people seek this out mainly for the relaxation that follows.
What makes the difference is less the orgasm itself than how you get there. What you perceive, how present you are, how you allow yourself to sink into sensation, all of this shapes how you experience it. The orgasm is the reflex at the end. But what happens before it is what you can truly shape. And you can learn to better understand and influence your own path there.
How I support you with this in sex therapy
In sex therapy, we look at what's standing in the way of your arousal and your experience. What thoughts come up? Where and when do you lose contact with yourself or with your partner? What do you need in order to truly let yourself sink in? We don't work with performance goals, but with perception. Not with the aim of «producing» an orgasm, but so that you learn what feels pleasurable to you, what blocks you, and how you can shape your sexual experience the way you want it to be.
Would you like to talk about this? I look forward to hearing from you. All inquiries are treated with strict confidentiality.