Desire is a multilayered and complex topic. You may have wondered why you sometimes feel like having sex and sometimes don't. Or why desire feels different for you than it seems to for others. You may even feel like you've lost your desire, without knowing exactly when or why.
An important clarification up front: desire isn't something that's simply there or not there. It arises from your thoughts, experiences, and memories. It's shaped by your lived experience, and you can learn to understand and shape it.
Desire is not the same as arousal
Sexual arousal is a physical response. It's triggered reflexively, influenced by various stimuli: a sight, a touch, a thought. Your body reacts, often before you're even consciously aware of it.
Desire is something different. Desire is the enjoyment of what happens during a sexual encounter. And it's also the anticipation of it. This anticipation arises from what you've experienced with sexuality so far and stored as positive. From memories of pleasurable moments, for instance, or from images and fantasies in your mind. Desire never simply arises spontaneously. It always needs a stimulus, internal or external, and depends on the context you're in.
Asexuality, desire, and low desire
Low desire is not the opposite of desire. Often, there's a deeper function behind it. If you notice low desire, or physical symptoms like pain, tension, or pressure, it's worth listening in. What's trying to show itself there?
Some people who come to me wonder whether they might be asexual, especially when they feel little or no desire for sexuality — whether as a woman, man, or nonbinary person. Asexuality is a sexual orientation in which there is generally little or no need for sexual interaction, without accompanying distress. Accordingly, no change is needed there.
Low desire is something different. It fluctuates, is sometimes present and sometimes not, and is often accompanied by distress. This is precisely what sex therapy addresses: understanding what's behind the low desire. Often, other underlying reasons are at play: psychological strain, relationship dynamics, physical causes, or formative experiences. The question itself often reveals how much uncertainty and need for an answer can be present.
Why I prefer to speak of pleasure
The word desire carries a lot of weight. It's tied to expectations, to images of what it should look or feel like. Anyone who doesn't feel desire quickly feels like they're doing something wrong. That's why I prefer the word pleasure. Pleasure is more neutral. It doesn't ask whether you feel enough, but rather what you notice. What feels good.
When the pressure to feel something specific falls away, what's actually there can often show itself for the first time. Only once you can say yes, and just as genuinely say no, does the space open up in which pleasure and surrender can grow.
How I support you with this in sex therapy
In sex therapy, we look at what influences your pleasure. How have you experienced sexuality so far? What feels good, what doesn't? What do physical symptoms tell you when you listen more closely? We work with the perception of your body in the here and now. We want to understand your experience in sexual encounters and look together at what you'd like to change or expand within it, and what that would take.
Perhaps you feel like you've lost your desire. Perhaps you feel blocked or under pressure and don't know why you have no interest in sex. Or you'd like to better understand how you can influence and expand your sexuality. All of these are good reasons to take time for this topic and to address your challenges and questions using the Sexocorporel approach.
Would you like to talk about this? I look forward to hearing from you. All inquiries are treated confidentially.